They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
