I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
