Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
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i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
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As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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