Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
