guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
