Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
