WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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