is your mom at the bar?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
