How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
