Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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