my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
