I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
