Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
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Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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