One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
