and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Can you bring me the toilet please
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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