I think my vagina is haunted
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
