dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
