she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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