just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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