One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
