even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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