Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
