Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
