im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
well you can't waste a boner
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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