You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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