When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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