At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
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apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
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I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
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