im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
