he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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