i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
