you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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