nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
