I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize