Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
