took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
