i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
