i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
