Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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