just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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