Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
