I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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