Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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