End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
