Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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