Someone shit on the floor
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!