i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS