i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
