Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
