don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
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I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
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A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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