Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
