Duck Duck Cougar?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
