i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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