She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
