my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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