I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
