i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
